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as you can see, this post has no title. I am very unable to decide what to name this particular piece. The only thing that I can come up with is 'stupid stupid stupid', and who wants anything so very negative taking up space in the great unknown that is "The Blogger Server" forever. Or at least until the world ends, which right now seems to be next year sometime. Like all things this too shall pass, and who needs a reminder of the times that we did not feel as good.

funny guy, great series - rather feeling like he is talking to me right now...

The last couple of weeks it feels as if I have been pacing the lounge area of insanity. There are so many things that is bringing on this general feeling, but here is the shortlist (please forgive me while I take some time to be a little less than positive):

1.

Major Burnout: I will not bore you with everything that I had to do. Suffice it to say it was an 8 hour work day, plus studies, teaching classes as well as attending teacher training, having had no holiday as all my leave was required for days that Guppy was sick or I absolute had to take some in order to do whatever and I was already over extended to start this year with, I am finally at a point where I feel like moving to the Himalayas and setting up camp in a cave somewhere.

2.

I am in the process of finding a way to do what I love, but at the moment each option that is opened is simply opening another time span of working every single hour of the day, seeing my child only for a half an hour each evening and that is not even including my studies that need to be kept up in order to be concluded. Which is fine if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, or a time in the foreseeable future when the hours will be more flexible or a little less, but the only light I saw has just blown a fuse, so right now it feels like I am doing this without ever going to be able to what I love ONLY, instead of juggling 10 (it was 10 000, but I don't want to exaggerate things that are already very dramatic as they are) things all at once. This process leaves me asking things like: Is this really where I am suppose to be? How much of a struggle is it suppose to be to do something which was both something that you love as well as a life's purpose?

3.

At this moment I am not sure at all that all this effort, although Guppy is the main reason for doing this, is serving either me or her or ever will. I don't know whether to put in the effort and cross my fingers that everything will be ok in a year or 2 (and whether the damage done NOW will be excused or fixed by the gains of THEN) and we'll have more time together, or whether to stop everything, continue with the same old thing as everyone else does until she leaves us and just hope that we can sustain a close relationship from that. Either way, the questions are: How fair is either option to me or to her? How much will she hate me for having done either? How much do I hate my parents for not being able to spend time with me? The last question is actually the only one I can answer: I don't hate my parents, but I also don't have the kind of relationship with them that I am now working to get with my daughter.

what do I want her to see and look up to?

3.

There will be no more children for us simply because as it is, I have to ask myself how on earth am I going to fit in 2 or more kids into this non-existing life of mine? And this is the answer irrespective of the choice that is made from no 3. This is also the only question to which I have actually gained an answer from this muck that I am finding myself in right now.

4.

Along with Major Burnout, this is a very important aspect in my life right now as well: I keep on falling into old habits. It feels like I have learned nothing in the last 6 years; that I am unable to sustain any development that takes / has taken place; like I know nothing and constantly have to be reminded of anything that, once said, I realise I am fully aware of. Feeling very stupid; majorly unenlightened, is probably the best way to put it. Probably more so because even when I am reminded of what I know, I am currently unable to bring any of it into application. I just don't want to.

5.

As if I just needed another thing in my life to make it clear how very stupid I actually am, I signed up for another 2 subject of English Lit next year. Why? Because I trusted things would work out. Because I thought if I just showed a little faith that things would be better next year, then things actually would. Remembered it this morning after the fuse from the light at the end of the tunnel blew and it is all I can do to keep myself from banging my head against the wall.

6.

Getting so many messages about taking risks and chances, but with no one to back me up and everything showing up against taking this chance and this risk, once more I am faced with the question: Am I being daft in not jumping to these messages? or am I daft for contemplating it? do you take the risk and just aim your actions towards where the light just blew its fuse? or are all these messages aimed at another light which is, as yet, not visible? Feeling like there is a dopey cartoon inside of me hopping from leg to leg and going "Which way do I go? Which way do I go?".

So that is just me at this moment. Not wanting to be too negative, but finding it hard to keep things very positive. Which leaves me in ...  Limbo? Yeah, that feels about right...

Figuring things out is not the problem. I know things always do have a way of becoming clear. BUT figuring things out BEFORE you get trapped in a place that you ultimately decide you don't want to be in, that is the real pressure.

Hoping everyone has an awesome and blessed weekend. I am going to attempt to have a mindless one, at the very least, and cross my fingers that things will look better on Monday.

using every method of motivation available, and some are really inspirational, event if they don't provide a clear cut answer